Book - Part 1 - Drunk Rant
June 18th 2009 03:16
.. what am i doing now? I'm contemplating pretty much anything i can to hopefully express myself in a way that is interesting. life has become crazy like a never ending verity of odd looking freaks. like the massive sore that you cant stop looking at. someone recently told me that "we all do stupid things" I'd like to add that we not only all do stupid things but we also all have stupid things happen to us. is this beer making me fat?
things were really were good. but of course if you embark on a large task or if you set it to cruise control things can change. if you put a plant in multiple environments you have different out comes. sometimes it withers and dies but sometimes it thrives and still others may "just live". where are you? thriving? Dying? Living? once again, put a date next to your answer on that one.
we're everywhere now. people are connected. it's so easy to meet someone. it's easy to find someone. yet how alone we feel. standing in time square with millions yet you have a time lapse camera shot moving them past your lonely self. two n's in connected.
Things are getting worse. If you truly want to know someone's character the best time to see it is when they are at their lowest point... I'd say you'll have that with me soon. Not lowest yet but soon. All the while I seem to make bad choices when I'm at a low point. Is it the liquor? Maybe... Is is the lack of concentration? Maybe... When I have to many things going on I believe I don't make good choices. I've been told all my life to keep it simple. One guy told me to remember K.I.S.S. Keep it simple stupid. Good advise...
I'm picking up what you're putting down... Tell me more.
How far do you really trust anyone? Is there anyone who truly will be able to keep your trust? Most people would like to think that they can tell if a person is worthy of their trust. Over time you really should know. How long is time though? You can know someone years and never really know them or You can have some deep quality time with someone and know them maybe even better. Should you trust them then? I trust that the sun will greet me in the morning. I trust that the Lie will always cause me trouble. But when it's out of my hands I think I'm not sure anymore. What ends up putting a stick in the spokes is change. Change for people. What happens if I change? What happens if how important you or this was is not the same? I may not feel the same. Maybe I will but will you?
So who do you trust if two people you feel you trust say two different things? Can I understand a prospective that may enlighten me? Sometimes people don't say a whole truth to protect something they know they can't say. Can you fault them and think it was for other reasons? One may not understand that take on things and Jump to conclusions. I'd rather not. In fact, I think I'll give them both the benefit of the doubt. Sleep is coming my way.
In moments things will get better. If we wait long enough something comes to rid us of our troubles. Hearing other problems from someone else or chemical happiness. For some it's the worse sort of relief.
Worse... Crap why do we find ways to make things worse? We know what makes trouble yet we'll do it anyway. I haven't learned from my mistakes. I know better!
Beep ... Beep... Beep.. I'm sorry are you trying to talk to me? That's my busy signal. I am unavailable at the moment.
Trying to talk to someone who does not speak your language is interesting. I draw pictures. what seems to be the most boring conversation, the grass is growing, can be fascinating. I really hate that word. Makes me feel pompous. adding to that. time goes away when what is so easy to say takes time to explain in a picture. it can be all about interpretation. then you really know someone. what they think, how they feel. should we all talk by pictures? i know I'd say less of the stupid things. some things are better left unsaid. you'd think twice before you would draw it. txting to has it's ways of making for better conversation. thinking before speaking? txting before speaking? the spelling of Texting should be changed to txting, it really embraces the sense of the word. Maybe instead we can all just wear bridles. But who pulls the bridle? the dog gets shocked and doesn't go out of the yard. The mouth gets shocked and does not say the wrong thing? The horse is directed the way it should go. The man would then be a robot and never make mistakes. So do we embrace mistakes? Some? If you never have a low then how will you judge the highs? is the high now better then it was before because of the low? I don't know.. I had to throw in that rhyme. you can let a mistake rip you apart or let it make you better. to rip is bad. worse then to cut. if someone said "I'll cut your arm off" or "I'll rip your arm off", what would you prefer? don't jump to conclusions. the answer depends on the person. maybe thats why some people tend to make more mistakes. ah, they like the lows to get a better high. better low, better High? or maybe worse low, better high? I'm done...
Ah the hotel room. a room that becomes someone else's home every couple of nights. embracing the hotel room can be much like wearing a friends borrowed clothes. at first it may feel strange but before you know it you're snuggling with the pillows... if we could only see the life others live in our new home. most seem to enjoy this room. it's vacation. it's with someone special. it's somewhere new. it's a drug&
runk night. why not? candles make for romance. but what about the times when the shirt you borrowed is too big? maybe I'm not so sure. do you ask for a new one? if you do, how many times have you asked for a new room? that might not be as big... my hair is short... I'll give you a time line... if you must know, and you must. i don't ask for new. at least not yet. who wouldn't if you walked in to a dead body or blood stained walls with messages of hate. not quiet the same as the smell of smoke. but who can blame the customer who asked for the non smoking room? if you request, then complaint for failure to deliver is justified. but being justified is not the answer for everyone. sometimes it's just a pain to make it right. if my food is late or not cooked right then the question is not always "where is the waiter to return this for better?" it can be be "is it that bad that i need the trouble of returning or waiting more?" its up to you, me , her, or him. you don't have to be half full or half empty you just have to fill the glass or drink the rest. as i spend time watching movies, which happens to be to a great degree more then before, i find myself wanting to be like one of the characters. of course, never someone who is or has a injurious ending. well maybe even them. there has been the occasional drug addict that somehow entrances me to want his life even though it ends in a vulgar way. it just so happens that the subject of choice or maybe we can say the genre of choice happens to deal with either drugies or horror. the kind of horror that that makes you feel glad its just fiction. and the kind of drug flicks that make your life seem better. I'm i trying to escape something? so then on the rare occasion that what was a blue screen turns to pixels of sense is a hopeful and glad or not always glad cinema but what could be refered to as something to be desired turns out to be someone who i want to be then there i am trying to implement them into my life. strange to the idea is the fact that the said idol happens to not exist. unless to exist is to be a thought that becomes based on the fiction of movies. either way, the would be wanted qualities of this person are alive and looking to attach to me. many things will shape us in life. I'm not opposed to the idea that the qualities of a poorly written "b" movies main actor is my inspiration although it does make my aspirations seem inept. however i must face the feelings that come to me however infelicitous they are. so here is me and here is them. most movies are based on some sort of real life ... even the horror movies. which means i am justified to think i can some what use these qualities or maybe just traits because, for better or worse, they are from real people. at this point even i think I'm wrong. But I do it. getting back to my point. I and maybe you try to imitate what we see. somehow though i never seem to adopt the traits or qualities i want. of course, maybe a day or two. but we always seem to become the same person we were. don't get me wrong like i said before we are shaped by these influences. yet somehow we can find our way back home. not just find but get drawn back to the core of who we are. like a curse. and not a curse like shit. who really wants excrement excreting from their mouth. a curse like knowing "hey thats me". I'm cursed to be this way. You can change some things and some things will change you. but the core?
it's 9 o'clock and stress is upon me. like an anaconda squesing me tight. i now have to face my mistakes head on. all natural instincts tell us to turn away. if the car approaches we veer. if the hand is in motion to hit we duck. i cannot. i am surprised the impact my dessioins have made upon others. but not completely. we only have to touch water to see the effects we have on a large area. the ripples will always move out away from us. we cant contain them. my happiness is my daughter... hermits may have the answer. they confine themselves to nothing.
The constant change as to weather life is good. as you may be able to tell from all this rambling i can't seem to make up my mind on most subjects, at least for the long term. sure ask me now and i will give my answer. but thats not to say what i say today will be how i feel tomorrow. I'd like to think this has to do with an on going cycle. at present (2008) the economy is suffering to the point of much talk about a recession. If you listen long enough then you will hear talk of cycles where things get bad then things get better. people are affected by this in many deferent ways. to some this is so hard to handle it seems to really destroy all hope and starts a chain reaction that ruins they're life. for some reason this cycle right now is not affecting me that way. I feel somewhat numb to what seems to be the worse time i have gone through. not just with the felt by everyone poor economy, but with losing a love of life, with putting enormous stress upon self, and dealing with the upstart of offspring problems those bring on. I heard that to be rich is really dependant on how you spend your money. so if i spend $1 and have $2. and thats always how things go then really im rich. so its really about our own prospectives on what we need or how we spend that makes us rich in our eyes. so there's coping number one. however, coping with the other may put me back into the one who self destructs. sometimes you can fix a problem with another problem. take for example relationships. many times, well maybe even most or all the time we will have problems in relationships. when it starts getting tough seems reasonable to just rid ourselves of that set of problems and start a new relationship that will of course have no problems. yet of course we do have them. at present. i know of one such one dealing with just this. they cant seem to decide what to do about things because it always seems like something else will be better. maybe i have done something similar this year. if i find myself with a new set of problems to deal with, even though i know thats really what i am doing, maybe they will be better then the last. but what happens when we trade for something worse. nerd that i am like most people, i used to buy lots of comics. they had something, i assume others do the same, called a grab bag. the grab bag was basicly and unknown collection of comics in a bag that you cant see through. what was so appealing about this "grab bag" was the price. and i suppose the sense of adventure. it was quite possible that you would happen to get a grab bag that had a very valuable comic in it or something you really wanted. now that i think about it packs of cards are pretty much all grab bags. so anyway, my point is that a relationship is like the grab bag. we really dont know if one is going to be better then another. and we can only compare to a small extent. of course there will always be the bad relationships that anything is better then. but im really talking about the ones you cant seem to decide on or that still lingers in the thoughts. when you give it up. u dont know how it will compare to the other. and in the end you wont be able to do that anyway. this is where we can come back to self destructing. the need to end up on top with something better. i must not be alone because seems to me that most go out after something goes wrong and want something better. i in the recent past have done just such a thing. my conclusion? dont compare relationships. then you have no way of feeling like one thing is better then another. like the old saying compare apples to apples. it'll never work in relationships. each is its own. take it for what it is. if its good then good. if its the best then its the best. whatever it is it is on its own. the plus side is no non self destruction. the going and going and hurt and stress and uncertainty of what the hell you are trying to do. which seems to spawn other little problems that turn into their own mountains. as for putting stress upon self. well, we have to live with what we do right. simple.
Mornings. well, mostly Saturday Mornings.
I started to really love mornings once I started to drink coffee. It somehow made the morning time something to be longed for. The relaxing time of getting your day started and not rushing to get ready. when you take time in the morning to wake up to coffee, by the time you walk out the door you feel good. You feel ready. The problems i think that most face about enjoying this part of the day is the need to stay up late the night before. If you are the type that does want to stay up late, and im assuming you do, then when the morning time to wake of your choice comes around then it becomes very hard to get out of bed. Most recently the two have not gone hand in hand, however, all of the sudden i find its not so hard to do both. A late night with drinks in excess. then a peaceful morning with time to spare. Its as if my body has finally given into my demands upon it. From the experts on self development, they say there are many benefits to the one that gets his or her day started earlier then the one to lazy to get up and plan or take advantage of the extra time. In fact, writers say that this is the time they use to write. Many of the them would not have written at all if they did not take this time and make the effort to make it available. Whatever, you cant decide to do things cuz others feel thats the only way to go. Its just what I hear. For me, I like sunsets and I like sunrises. I dont see to many sunrises, but I'm making a point. I'd like to be closer to them. Now of all the Mornings, Saturday is the best. Ah, Saturday Morning cartoons. It could just be because Saturday Morning cartoons is a good childhood memory for me or I'm just a child at heart or my desire to be a cartoon artist or the fact that you still have Sunday approaching after Saturday or none of the above. But what a sense of relaxation. The world has made the weekend the best time. we are selfish and when the time comes to just do what we want to it becomes our favorite time, of course. we live for the weekends, at least most of us. The ones who love their jobs may not concur. Once again, all the more reason to soak up every minute of the weekend days by being up early and going down late.
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